A Life With You

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I want a life with you.

I want to swim this ocean of dreams, ride the tide- build entirely with you

Dreams built on truth…

I can imagine it would be like parting through grey skies, and the grass at our feet would encourage vibrant new flowers to bloom

Before I met you, loving was “playing hard”

Loving was an entertained thought

Love wasn’t ready to take place in my heart

But after meeting you,

Love became a “safe card”

Love became an instant start for something new

Love found me, when I found you.

The timing can be so cruel

Because it makes you drink in more of life than you need

It makes you thirst for things that aren’t satisfying

It makes you fill empty spaces with people, places and things that you realize you’re better off without

But I’m sorry I realized this all too late…can you please forgive me?

Because I’m sorry I’m the girl with the big mouth, and the selfish pout

I’m sorry I don’t think before I speak at times,

I don’t know what that’s all about…

I’m sorry my impulsive ways dig me a hole so deep

A hole that only I was prepared for,

A hole only for me.

But then I realize rather quickly the mud catches us both at our feet

Sinking down, it plays in slow motion, that I can’t help but to see.

Then by morning, Truth opens my eyes

Truth says “you can’t bite the hand that feeds…”

Truth says “you stubborn fool, if you would just listen to Me-“

But I’m out the door before Truth can say anymore

And I’m picking new leaves from that pretty oak tree

Lacing flowers for a crown only meant for Queens

But I can’t put it on yet

And it hurts so much, but no matter what

I’ve decided to keep waiting for my King

I’ve decided he’s the only one for me

I’ve decided he means everything to me

He’s everything I want… and he’s everything I’m not, and he’s everything I need.

I’ve decided he’s my person, and he makes me want to be a better version of me

He makes me want to scream at times,

but that’s only because I feel I’m running out of time.

He makes me cry at times, but sometimes, those tears are outweighed by tears of happy.

Then other times, those are only tears of “why me?”

Because why did I have to be the girl to fall so deeply in love with a man so far away?

Why do I have to be the girl who doesn’t get her way?

Why do I have to be the girl to get her heart broken?

Because I know you can’t stay…

And I know you can’t say what I need you to say.

And I know you can’t make this all OK.

But it all leads me back to hope in the end.

With crossed fingers, hope leads me back to Love

Then Love takes control of my soul and makes me look above

It makes me look above and pray to the Highest One

Love makes me pray for better days,

Makes me pray for your success

Makes me pray that you are blessed

Makes me pray that you are healed in every area of your life that makes you feel.

Love makes me pray that you feel loved

Because you are so greatly…truly, madly and deeply loved-

I honestly don’t think I could ever say that enough.

And I’m sorry for being too quick to pull the trigger

But Love wasn’t always pleasant for me

It felt like a loaded gun aimed straight at my head impulsively-

I grab it, so that I’m the one who pulls the trigger instead.

But trust me, I’m not aiming at your head…

I’m aiming at that mirror behind you

I’m watching that glass shatter to the floor so I can rearrange the broken pieces

Just so I can have something to fix in this.

Then I realize your reflection isn’t in it

Instead, it’s that little girl who is happy in her dreams

It’s that girl who sings as she’s flying

Soaring high, when’s she high

But she’s low in disguise

And she’s running out of time to tell you the truth.

So the truth is…

I want a life with you, if that’s alright with you?

I wanna make plans with you, and hold hands with you.

Dance with you and romance with you.

I want pure bliss with you when I’m kissing you,

And I want to talk with you when I’m missing you.

I say all of this not to trap your spirit, so please,

keep doing your thing there in England, roam free.

Do whatever it is that you have to do

Live your life, come and go as you please.

But just know that the day you buy that ticket to come and see me,

I’m dropping everything,

If it means being with the person who brings out the woman in me.

I want to be the one who encourages your dreams and watch them become reality.

I want to be the one who’s your “wifey.”

I want to be the one you call Queen.

I’m the one who chooses the life and death of me…

And I choose you, always, as my King.


The Desert Dream

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Night fall

Walking blindly through the desert

Sleep prevailed

Dryness lay beneath my feet

A black panther in the distance

His silhouette covered me

There, a small green pasture appears, as I lie back-

still as coffins between the green

Dawn breaks, and a golden warmth by my right side found me and lead me to safety.


Do You Love Me?

“Do you love me? Yes or no? Because if the answer is no, like I believe it is, in order to move on I need you to say “No,” and I will let go. But if by some glimmer of false hope within me your answer is yes, then I will take that with me and let fate continue to play its part in my life. Either way, an answer is all I seek. No answer at all is too much of a silence that disrespects the nature of love completely… and the one whose heart it fills.” – Imani xx

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That day I pondered the thought of love, and love in relation to me. Love in relation to every sad heart it decided to fill with false hope of things or people it couldn’t have. Love definitely chooses a vessel blindly, and when it comes around, it stays for good… If you let it.

If you ever dare ask this question to any human soul that possess the strings of your heart, you better be ready. You better have made sure you are ready for every possible outcome, reply, or worse, no reply at all. You better be ready for those strings keeping your beating heart stitched together to break, leaving you totally unglued, and possibly worse than you were before. You think it hurts now? Well just imagine what type of pain could exist in that body of yours if you dare to ask the question, “Do you love me?” Because although such a simple question, it weighs the outcome of your entire life in that one moment.

To even utter that question seemed like an all time low when I asked the man who captured my heart.

“Do you love me, Judas?” I had been taught the question was for the weak and desperate. It seemed ridiculous coming out of my mouth, and scary. But I asked anyway. Because no one ever thinks to ask that question out loud. They don’t ask- out of fear of rejection, or looking desperate or whatever. But sometimes, you just need to hear the answer, whether good or bad. It was almost a new year, and I had hoped to part once I learned the truth. He owed me that much, after all we’d been through. I was ready for the worst.

“Do you love me, Judas? Because if the answer is no, like I believe it is, in order to move on I need you to say “No,” and I will let go. But if by some glimmer of false hope within me your answer is yes, then I will take that with me and let fate continue to play its part in my life. Either way, an answer is all I seek. No answer at all is too much of a silence that disrespects the nature of love completely… and the one whose heart it fills.” 

Hours later into the night after I lay my head upon a cold pillow with salty puddles of tears running down my high cheeks, two dings on my phone woke me instantly, and there upon my screen his reply…

It wasn’t a no. The answer I received just left me in yet another limbo I had hoped to escape.

I guess love isn’t definite anymore.

 


Just a Lesson and Never a Blessing

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When he comes to me I am ready

I’ll wash his feet with my hair if he needs
Forgive him when his tongue lies through his brain
Even after three times he betrays me

I’m just a Holy Fool, oh baby he’s so cruel
But I’m still in love with Judas, baby
I’m just a Holy Fool, oh baby he’s so cruel
But I’m still in love with Judas, baby

In my head, I see a girl quite different than I actually am.

But then with every failed attempt at giving my whole heart to Judas, he reminds me of the girl I actually am, and I am left with this sinking realization that I’m not good enough.

I’m the type of girl who doesn’t do well alone. I crave attention, but I search for it in all the wrong places, from all the wrong people. Their attention comes with terms and conditions I never agreed to. I signed my name to each dotted line with a fine tip of a black pen, and it can’t be undone unless they pull out of the deal earlier than planned.Which- they do, but it doesn’t make it any less of a surprise.

Today I had the lingering thought:

If another man comes into my life that I fall head-over heals for, let him serve my heart as a blessing, and not a lesson.

So I say to you now, the man who betrayed and broke my heart three times… I am sure now that you were most certainly a lesson, and never my blessing.

Maybe there is some silver lining? Maybe God is doing me a just favor? Surely, he could not be that cruel to give me a love that only ends with a pulled trigger, and a deadly silence.

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Loving Judas

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Haiku:

Quietly she prays.

Hope follows light into dawn

watching Love win souls


Super Moon

It’s either the Moon, or God magnetically calling the ghost of loved ones back to me this week. Was it just a mere coincidence that I’ve heard from my ex at the highest peek of the Super Moon’s rays reaching far across the sky? Or was it God who heard this silent prayer of mine?

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Was it God who heard this silent prayer of mine?

Or just mere coincidence that I cannot define?

Was it God who shaped and gave light to that magnificent moon?

Or was it you who left my life too soon?

Was it God that awakened a burning furnace within me?

Or was it You who became my destiny?

Was it God who brought you into my life?

Or was it pure boredom that we fucked more than twice?

You come back here like my heart has some revolving door

You come back here looking to take more

That, I cannot give.

I’ve not really lived when I am without you, so I cannot give… I cannot live.

I cannot love you, yet I do.

I love you more than I should

And I bet you know that too.

I bet you know it

and that is why you stick your head around the corner

to look down the hallway of my dark brown eyes.

You peak in to see how I’m still alive, rather than peaking in to see if I am alright.

I prayed for you to come back, probably 1000 x 1

and I am sure it was this very voice of mine that reached your land and made me cry

Across these vast blue waters where people pray and hold hands

Where people lay, and moments stop to stand

Where all the wrong people stay and you leave me once again.

Makes me question was it God who formed this moon for man?

Or was it God who shields the sand-

beneath your feet, where my blood slowly drips from your hands?

Question: was it God who made you think you are a man?  Or was it this Super Moon that gave you false hope, or something superficial to believe in?


Sex With Nate

Nate has beautiful hands. Sometimes, he calls me up on the weekends to come over, and then he sings me a few midnight melodies. He’s an artist, and I’ve missed being with him while he’s on tour. I have a slight resentment towards him, because if I could, I would have traveled the world with him. This, he doesn’t know.

The time flys by and then we just get lost in the white sheets of his hotel bed. His hands feel so warm, like a personal fire on my body. I like it. I like it a lot. Sex with Nate feels right in all the right places of my body. But it feels so wrong in all the empty spaces of my heart.

His body collapses over mine, with a gentle kiss to my forehead. His beautiful hand tucks the hair behind my ear, and he takes a good look at me and say’s, “I want more with you, Imani.” Puzzled, I look into his crystal blue eyes and say, “What do you mean?” He rolls over to his side of the bed, and lays on his back. As he looks up at the ceiling, his husky, yet slightly southern voice (despite the fact he’s from the north) says, “Sex with you, is incredible…But I want your heart.”

I slide closer to him under the sheets. Our bodies sticking together, like hot furnaces. I take his hand between mine and kiss his fingers. As I pull his hand close to my chest, I said something like, “You feel it, don’t you?” Nate says, “During sex, when I’m asking ‘Who’s is it?’ I’m not talking about your pussy.” I giggle, because that word makes me blush.

I like Nate. But he doesn’t get to have my heart. I’ve tried that a few times with lovers before, and you know what happened?

They broke it.

Taking his beautiful hand again, I kiss the tips of his fingers. I rise above his alabaster body, straddling Nate, and placing his warm hands around my waist. I remember him in that moment, licking his fingers, then rubbing my…

I bent down to whisper in his ear, saying something like, “This is yours right now baby… So don’t ruin it.” I said, as we began moaning more melodies into the night.